Monday, September 15, 2008

Spaghetti salad

Great job Mandy, way to get this off of the ground and kick my ass into gear. You've always been the one with the drive in this friendship.

Tonight is one of those nights when my thoughts are varied and voluminous. I'm relaxed with a beautiful glass of wine, Soft Chenin Blanc, perfectly mellow and slightly sweet; a lovely mixed salad with nuts and beries, and Josh Groban softly crooning Italian love in my ear.

So many things are changing and evolving in my life right now. My job is morphing at a rapid rate and it is almost all I can do to catch my breath in the day to day flurry as I race to keep up a steady pace with the evolution. My children are both entering phases in their lives that are filled with change and new experiences. Little Tag is not so little anymore. I remember a time when he was so filled with with cute funny little musings of wonderment that I was texting or calling Mandy on a daily basis with the newest latest tidbit that he had come up with. He is now on the edge of worrying about what makes a boy 'cool' and what doesn't, and tries daily to reconcile how kisses and loves to his mom fit in to that equation. Dominique is a gorgeous, intelligent, insightful young woman of 16. I am shocked and amazed at the depth of her spirit every day of my life. She is also stubborn, insecure, and thoughtless at times. A typical teen with a twist, that is my Dom. Fun as hell, but damn, oftentimes a force to be reconned with - for good or bad.

As for me, I am in a very comfortable place with myself. I find that the older I get and the more I get to know myself, the less I care about other's opinions and thoughts on why Bridget is or isn't what they think she should be. I found myself in a conversation with Trevor (ex husband) earlier this summer, and, of course, we somehow ended up discussing our individual situations and where we each felt that we were induvidually compared to where we were maybe a year or even two years ago. (He is still, to this day, very secretive about his personal life and when discussing his plans with me he will say Tag and I are doing such and such, instead of Tag and Misty and I.... As if he is trying to shield me from ultimate rejection or pain or some such nonsense.) He was being his usual secretive self and I just told him... Trev. Please. It is not necessary, I am in a very emotionally, physically and psychologically healthy place - don't feel like you have to shield me or hide your life from me, honestly. Stop saying, 'OK' when I ask you how you are doing. If you are good, say good. If you are great, say great. It has, of course, not changed him any, but both Mandy and I know how inportant it is for me to just get my 2 cents in.

My relationship with Mandy, this thing has grown and mutured into this lovely, multi-fauceted gem that shines infinetely, even when dropped in the mud and covered with all sorts of creepy unmentionables. Everyone with real, no I mean REAL relationships knows (or maybe not) exactly what I am talking about. There is not one thing in my life that I feel like I couldn't give her complete exposure to and at no time do I ever feel like I have one smidgen of fear of anything, anything, anything... I have complete trust that this girl will give it to me straight as if I were looking into the mirror, saying - Bridget, tell it like it is. I can always count on her to shoot me up with the cleanest, purest, most honestly comical intelligence that I could ever wish for myself. Honestly, if by some cruel twist of fate I lose out on the new relationship that I am currently immershed in, I may have to switch teams and just give myself over to that bettter brighter version of myself. ;)

Lastly for tonight, but certainly not least, my new and exciting relationship. There are so many things that I would like to say that would just be mushy gushy and potentially ruinous to this beautifully well rounded confection thus far. I will spare you all of that (for tonight anyhow) and just give you a taste of the sauce that will flavor this dish tonight. This strong confident woman, prideful as she is, has to admit that there is potential that she has met her match. I am the first to snicker at all of the cliche'd notions and canned romantic crap that every little girl's dreams are made of. I have lived enough of life and dated enough pretty men to know that, for most of us, those types of romantic fluffy-fluff ideas are mostly that - fluffy-fluff. I am a real woman, with real hopes and desires for myself, and that last thing that I have wanted to do for a very long time is to share those desires with a man who could just potantially throw a wrench into it all and screw it all up. (I spared you an F bomb, though I really really wanted to use it) I am typically that girl who runs at the first red flag or finds a red flag where there is only truly maybe a yellow one or quite possibly light orange. Anyway. Three reasons why this man has potential for permanency with me. And really, take this at face value, because it truly is a miracle to me (although completely easy) that I am in a position to admit these things to myself.

#1. Week after week I am not bored, restless, or looking for an out.
#2. I have been unable to find anything that is scary to me, or even potentially scary about this man. (And believe me, I am an absolute expert at finding any little thing that would justify lacing up my Nike's.)
#3. I can spew romantic gobbledy-gook, day after day, night after night, and mean it every time. It never gets old, it just gets better.

Honorable mention (you knew I couldn't just walk away at 3, right?)

#4. He loves to play. No, really, play - like as in wrestle, tickle, bite, kiss, torture, and the like.
#5. He has blue eyes that a girl could get lost in. I mean, floating in a sea of genuine sincerity, sparkly kind lovey dovey, oh gosh anyway.
#6. He is a total manly-man. Athletic, strong, broad shouldered raw, sexy, soft, affectionate, real, kind. OK, you get the picture.

Anyway, spaghetti salad. My thoughts tonight; they are long and voluminous and filled with little tidbits of this and that, all jumbled together into just the mix that you crave sometimes in a cold lovely satisfying way but also warm and spicy if you prefer to nuke them.

Sheesh, give this girl a computer and an open forum and God help us all. = P

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