And so I'm eating a big plate of spaghetti

I've recently come to terms with the fact that romantic relationships are not my fate. I've never been in a happy, loving, genuine relationship. My marriage was loveless and miserable and I have not had a serious pairing since my divorce. Long-term just isn't in the cards for me.

Fine.

However, I enjoy being the object of attention once in a while. I don't know how I know this because it just doesn't happen. Take today for example...........I had to run errands and I was feeling unusually good about myself. When I left my apartment I had a spring in my step and a gleam in my eye. Today of all days I was gonna catch someone's attention, dammit! With confidence I went to the mall, the bank, and the grocery store.

Not ONE head turned! No "hi" from anyone. Not even a smile.

I haven't been on a date in ages because I'm just never asked. No one asks for my number (unless you count the creepy druggie at the bus stop). No one says they would like to get to know me.

It's worse when I go out with friends. My friends are all gorgeous. I'm the token ugly, fat friend that tags along to make them feel even better. They dance and flirt and get drinks bought for them. I sit back and try not to look bitter and extremely unhappy.

I'm so done. Why even try?

So, I'm eating a big plate of spaghetti. Fuck it! Not like I have to try and look decent for anyone.

In praise of the strong, intelligent woman

One of my personal heroes for many years has been Queen Rania of Jordan. This woman is intelligent, passionate, poised, focused...............and beautiful, but that doesn't make her my hero. :-)

I went of Slate.com just now and saw that she is keeping an online diary for them (if only for a short time). In it she talks about her work to provide educational opportunities for girls who have fallen through society's cracks. This is something she has been focused on since she was elevated to queen so many years ago. On top of this she's a wife, mother, religious role-model, speaker, ambassador.....the ultimate in female multi-tasking.

Anyway, if you need an introduction to her.............

http://www.slate.com/id/2200806/entry/2200807/

http://www.queenrania.jo/default.aspx

Can you say EGO?

Just thinking back to what you said in the beginning Mandy, about our lives being a little boring sometimes. Nah. No. Nope. Not.

Taking a moment to vent. Let me clarify though, I am not unhappy, not at all. Life for me is pretty fantastic, with blips of not-so-fantastic sometimes. Mostly fantastic though.

OK, so to preface this, I will set up the scenario. We have Mr. A (some would say that the a stands for Ass, some would say Awesome. you can decide for yourself) So Mr. A and I have something of a history, let's say that for the most part he is a friend of mine, but during the times that I do not regard him as a friend, the former name usually applies. Mr. A has a history of carrying on in relationships with females that he (in his words) is 'not that into'. This past summer he did just that, got involved with Ms. U (unknown, meaning I know next to nothing about her). Ms U. happens to have 3 small children under the age of 8. So Mr. A and Ms. U have a lovely summer together, integrating their children, creating a family unit, all-the-while Mr. A proclaiming his usual... 'I'm just not that into her'. Right? Right.

So last week, Mr. A phones me and laments the end of his relationship with Ms. U. Sad, really. no, I really do mean that. What a huge waste of time and effort spent creating relationships with delicate little souls (kids) who love unconditionally and have a hard time understanding when grownups decide to part ways. He went on and on on the ins and outs of why he knew from the beginning that they were not a match and how he ended it all for that very reason, blah blah blah. He even went so far as to say that he was so distraught at how easy is had seemed for her to be dumped by him that he just couldn't bring himself to spend time with his son, and could I just handle that for another week or so? (Oh, I forgot to mention that we share a son).

So at this point, I was biting my tongue as what I really wanted to say is, OK Mr. A (Ass), you are so self-centered and egotistical that not only did you carry on for months in a relationship with a woman that you are 'not that into' and involve our son and her little darlings, but you just can't seem to swallow the fact that she is not completely distraught over the fact that she may have lost the only chance in her life to have her mind messed with by you and possibly suffer more emotional damage in the long run if she tries to hang on to a man that is 'just not that into her'? My God man, get over yourself.

OK, so to the point of my story. This weekend, according to Mr. A, was supposed to have been the time that he needed to nurse his damaged ego and get back into single man fighting shape so he could, magically by Monday, be back into top parenting mode. I need to call him about some visitation switches I would like to make, which in the past have been very easy to negotiate - although I have to admit it is usually me that is the flexible one. So today I make the call, Hey Mr. A, how are you, how was your weekend, hope you are well, etc. Hey you don't mind if we switch our weekends do you? It seems that many of the things that I'd like our son to participate in are during the weekends he is with Mr. A.

Well. Get this.

Mr. Ass, er... I mean A, says why? He then goes on to say that that this just doesn't work for him and that he needs to know my reasoning. What the... I mean, hmmm. Anyway, long frustrating conversation later, Mr. A tells me that he has RECONSIDERED his position with Ms. U and that her kids are on the same visitation schedule with our son, and that he is not currently willing to make any changes with me.

Hold on to my chair while I express myself on this one. Essentially, he is telling me (but obviously not in the same words) that his EGO is so large and inflated that he cannot handle the rejection he feels from a woman that he has admitted repeatedly he does not love. HE DUMPED HER, and the sheer fact that she is not crushed by losing the shining glow of his presence in her life is just too much for him to handle. So - in a nutshell, he is patching things up with her so he can double his efforts, make her fall in love with someone that he is not, further involve all of the little munchkins, and get a 'do-over' when he is ready to dump her again with the hope that she will be adequately crushed and emotionally distraught enough to satisfy his overblown need for hero-worship.

That's it. In an overblown, grossly-enlarged, sick sick nutshell. Classic Mr. A.

*sigh* All of that effort. Seriously, half of it channeled it some introspective self-examination could make a huge difference. Or not. All I know is that I love my son more that I love myself, and that makes all of the difference to me when I have to ask myself important relationship questions.

Take a lesson Mr. A.

Try cracking a book....other than that one

Lunch can be entertaining sometimes.

There's a guy at work who has several bibles on his desk and he takes one of them to the lunchroom with him everyday. He's a nice enough guy, but he makes me uncomfortable for some reason............even before I saw all the bibles.

Now, while eating lunch and reading my own work of fiction, he keeps starting conversations with me and those conversations lead to apocalyptic predictions.

Example after example of news stories of family killing family. Weather. Natural disasters.

"The world has never been like this. These events are now worldwide".

Really?

Have you EVER cracked a history book?

Ever read a Greek tragedy? Kids and parents sleep with and kill each other all the time. And you can bet the Greeks didn't have a corner on the market.

Ever read stories and histories from other cultures around the world? Lots and lots of evidence of insane weather. Today's hurricanes are not isolated in the historical record.

Ever heard of Vesuvius or Krakatoa? Those puppies caused natural mayhem long before you came along and started predicting doom and gloom.

We hear about stuff right after it happens. The world seems insane because we are in such an information driven world. Think, buddy!!!! Good gawd!

59 & 1/2 days

Ah the angst..... I'm just kidding. Sort of.

So, for some elusive reason I have this wierd 60 day thing. It isn't really a 'thing', but more like something that I just sort of realized one day and went, oh. OH. At risk of making Mandy even more sick to her stomach than she already is, I'll go into a bit of detail. About 2 years ago I had a stupid breakup with a stupid man (who was a closet gay by the way, hehehe...). Yes, you heard me right, and it was . Anyway, the whole thing just didn't feel right to me and I decided at some point to just break it off cleanly and walk away. For some reason I turned introspective about my past and present relationship patterns and came to the realization that, for me, a romantic relationship with anyone but Mr. Right In Every Way Right Down to the Shape of His Toenails has a life span of about 60 days.

I have become so aware of this phenomenon that at this point in my life when the 60 day mark approaches I can just about guarantee that I will have had at least one freak out before I meet (or more likely run from) the deadline.

So, to my point. Tonight, for my current probationer, marks 59 & 1/2 days. Last night was my first real scare in this whole probationary process. Dom pulled some of her usual stuff, you know, meltdown... tantrum... I hate everything about everything kind of nonsense, which with Dom is usually amplified at about 50+ the normal power of your average teenager girl drama. Really and truly, I do not exadurate this. This is a testing moment for me, I think to myself... do I call Mr. Potentially Right In Every Way Right Down to the Shape of His Toenails? It is an ideal time to lean on him and see what kind of earth shattering super powers he really possesses. Or do I give in to the little voice that says, Bridget, you know there is a strong possibility that if he has any wet mop in him at all he will cave and fold and take this opportunity to bow out of this potential train wreck with the Domster and convey his condolences to the survivors? *whew*

Well, I called. Or he called. Or we called. I do not recall. We did a lot of calling.

I was frightened, but resolute. If he caves, he caves, I thought to myself. If he gets squishy, it's inevitable that he may not be able to handlle Dom's brand of intensity. A few dozen pints of pistachio ice cream will have me well on the mend. Well, he wasn't a wet mop at all, not even a little damp. No sign of wishy-washyness anywhere. Hmmm. Mmmm. Well, honestly, I knew in my heart that he wouldn't bend.

Mostly. ;P

Good job Mr. PRIEWDTTSOHT. 60+ days, here I come.............

Spaghetti salad

Great job Mandy, way to get this off of the ground and kick my ass into gear. You've always been the one with the drive in this friendship.

Tonight is one of those nights when my thoughts are varied and voluminous. I'm relaxed with a beautiful glass of wine, Soft Chenin Blanc, perfectly mellow and slightly sweet; a lovely mixed salad with nuts and beries, and Josh Groban softly crooning Italian love in my ear.

So many things are changing and evolving in my life right now. My job is morphing at a rapid rate and it is almost all I can do to catch my breath in the day to day flurry as I race to keep up a steady pace with the evolution. My children are both entering phases in their lives that are filled with change and new experiences. Little Tag is not so little anymore. I remember a time when he was so filled with with cute funny little musings of wonderment that I was texting or calling Mandy on a daily basis with the newest latest tidbit that he had come up with. He is now on the edge of worrying about what makes a boy 'cool' and what doesn't, and tries daily to reconcile how kisses and loves to his mom fit in to that equation. Dominique is a gorgeous, intelligent, insightful young woman of 16. I am shocked and amazed at the depth of her spirit every day of my life. She is also stubborn, insecure, and thoughtless at times. A typical teen with a twist, that is my Dom. Fun as hell, but damn, oftentimes a force to be reconned with - for good or bad.

As for me, I am in a very comfortable place with myself. I find that the older I get and the more I get to know myself, the less I care about other's opinions and thoughts on why Bridget is or isn't what they think she should be. I found myself in a conversation with Trevor (ex husband) earlier this summer, and, of course, we somehow ended up discussing our individual situations and where we each felt that we were induvidually compared to where we were maybe a year or even two years ago. (He is still, to this day, very secretive about his personal life and when discussing his plans with me he will say Tag and I are doing such and such, instead of Tag and Misty and I.... As if he is trying to shield me from ultimate rejection or pain or some such nonsense.) He was being his usual secretive self and I just told him... Trev. Please. It is not necessary, I am in a very emotionally, physically and psychologically healthy place - don't feel like you have to shield me or hide your life from me, honestly. Stop saying, 'OK' when I ask you how you are doing. If you are good, say good. If you are great, say great. It has, of course, not changed him any, but both Mandy and I know how inportant it is for me to just get my 2 cents in.

My relationship with Mandy, this thing has grown and mutured into this lovely, multi-fauceted gem that shines infinetely, even when dropped in the mud and covered with all sorts of creepy unmentionables. Everyone with real, no I mean REAL relationships knows (or maybe not) exactly what I am talking about. There is not one thing in my life that I feel like I couldn't give her complete exposure to and at no time do I ever feel like I have one smidgen of fear of anything, anything, anything... I have complete trust that this girl will give it to me straight as if I were looking into the mirror, saying - Bridget, tell it like it is. I can always count on her to shoot me up with the cleanest, purest, most honestly comical intelligence that I could ever wish for myself. Honestly, if by some cruel twist of fate I lose out on the new relationship that I am currently immershed in, I may have to switch teams and just give myself over to that bettter brighter version of myself. ;)

Lastly for tonight, but certainly not least, my new and exciting relationship. There are so many things that I would like to say that would just be mushy gushy and potentially ruinous to this beautifully well rounded confection thus far. I will spare you all of that (for tonight anyhow) and just give you a taste of the sauce that will flavor this dish tonight. This strong confident woman, prideful as she is, has to admit that there is potential that she has met her match. I am the first to snicker at all of the cliche'd notions and canned romantic crap that every little girl's dreams are made of. I have lived enough of life and dated enough pretty men to know that, for most of us, those types of romantic fluffy-fluff ideas are mostly that - fluffy-fluff. I am a real woman, with real hopes and desires for myself, and that last thing that I have wanted to do for a very long time is to share those desires with a man who could just potantially throw a wrench into it all and screw it all up. (I spared you an F bomb, though I really really wanted to use it) I am typically that girl who runs at the first red flag or finds a red flag where there is only truly maybe a yellow one or quite possibly light orange. Anyway. Three reasons why this man has potential for permanency with me. And really, take this at face value, because it truly is a miracle to me (although completely easy) that I am in a position to admit these things to myself.

#1. Week after week I am not bored, restless, or looking for an out.
#2. I have been unable to find anything that is scary to me, or even potentially scary about this man. (And believe me, I am an absolute expert at finding any little thing that would justify lacing up my Nike's.)
#3. I can spew romantic gobbledy-gook, day after day, night after night, and mean it every time. It never gets old, it just gets better.

Honorable mention (you knew I couldn't just walk away at 3, right?)

#4. He loves to play. No, really, play - like as in wrestle, tickle, bite, kiss, torture, and the like.
#5. He has blue eyes that a girl could get lost in. I mean, floating in a sea of genuine sincerity, sparkly kind lovey dovey, oh gosh anyway.
#6. He is a total manly-man. Athletic, strong, broad shouldered raw, sexy, soft, affectionate, real, kind. OK, you get the picture.

Anyway, spaghetti salad. My thoughts tonight; they are long and voluminous and filled with little tidbits of this and that, all jumbled together into just the mix that you crave sometimes in a cold lovely satisfying way but also warm and spicy if you prefer to nuke them.

Sheesh, give this girl a computer and an open forum and God help us all. = P

All is loneliness

First of all, I'm normally very happy being on my own. Since my divorce I have embraced the independence that comes with being single. I haven't had any serious relationships in those two years and most of the time I believe that's a good thing.

But, there are these rare times when I feel really, really, really lonely. Bridget is in the throes of a new and fantastic relationship. I'm so thrilled for her because the guy sounds so perfect for her. She's giddy, happy, secure...............I've never felt these things for anyone. Never had true love. Never felt that someone just completed me and made life so much richer with their presence.

That's okay...............most of the time..............

But not today. It seems that everything around me is screaming "your life is crap because you don't have this elusive presence". Shows, books, movies, people on the street. It's everywhere and I'm really being affected by it. It would be wonderful to have someone to cuddle up to me and tell me how wonderful they think I am.........how they want me around forever.............how they are so lucky to find me..............and I feel all these things for them.

Or, maybe it's just PMS.

That's it........hormones! I'll snap out of it soon. :-)

Mandy

Allow me......

I get to break in this blog. Yay!

I set this up as an experiment with Bridget and me. We talked about sharing a journal to preserve out lives for posterity, but never got it off the ground.

Sit back, grab a drink, and enjoy the ride. Most of the time it's smooth and a little boring, but at times it can get rather bumpy. :-)

Cheers!
Mandy